Week 1 Notes

Notes from a kind of journal I’m keeping, just in case it might be useful. I’m also transcribing notes from others (in a way that protects confidentiality) and will post those as well. Meanwhile, would love to hear continued feedback and insights!!!

Ash Wednesday

One thing I experienced in this morning’s service was tangibility. The hosts of heaven were indeed strongly present (the opening prayer invokes their presence). This is solidity of a different kind than the chair I’m sitting in. It’s hard to describe when you get into seeing, feeling, hearing in the non-physical world. My senses are pretty normal; I don’t have a great deal of psychic ability, don’t see ghosts or such things. What I experience is a knowing that is ultimately real, even more real than the chair.

I feel called to surrender to the presence of the eternal good in the power of suffering and the grace of not being in control even though a great deal of what I hear in spiritual circles is about taking control and creating your own life. Someone said the other day that there are two hidden words in the first commandment. “I am the Lord, your God…you’re not.” The essence of our conundrum is that we are co-creators with God, neither completely in control nor completely passive. This is the koan, the sacred riddle, of life on earth.

Thurs.
Heartfelt wisdom has been coming in from people responding to my e-mail, frequently bringing tears of joy. During mass, I gathered up all that love and strength into the cup, onto the plate, and flung it out into the gook layer, where it became a spider web of light clinging to the top, then sinking into it and becoming a three-dimensional network. Sticky, strong, unshakeable like spider silk. Cracks in the gook radiating light. What power we generate togther as we join the legions of light/life/love workers both physical and heavenly.

Fri.

Mass has a physical recipient today. Her presence sets up a field that strengthens our purpose. My meditation focuses on what the western teachers called the seven inner stars. I do a detailed meditation at each one, cleansing and balancing myself, what I radiate, and the whole layer of consciousness associated with each arena of human endeavor. Again I feel the supporting presence of the hosts of heaven and the angels of light invoked on Ash Wednesday. Congruently, it also talks about joyful fasting and turning our hearts to the treasures of the eternal. A cross of oil is drawn on participants forhead, the oil being blessed with the infinite wisdom and grace of the light that is the substance of the universe.

Sat (written on Sunday)

Looking back on yesterday, which was full of frustrations on that very personal level of interacting with technology, finances and all the nitty gritty details of functional life, its as if a layer of personal reactiveness was brought to the surface, laid over with the healing spider web of light, and lifted up at the altar as a kind of bread that my inner adrenilin-junkie part has fed on for a long time. The last moments before bed were full of discouragement. All I could do was breathe in and out as I did my (more adult, maybe) version of “now I lay me down to sleep” surrender to “that which is” versus “that which I, in all my wisdom, think should be”.

Sun.

I slept well for a full 8 hours, so the day’s closing prayer must have worked. And new insights into the functional life problems make me hopeful. The content of my personal contribution to the gook layer is painfully clear. Hope springs up as new insights reveal tools and practices for healing survival reactions that have outlived their usefulness. Part of me loves to panic, to creatively imagine worst-case-scenarios as future fact, especially in the area of personal finances. There is a subtle chemical rush that makes me feel like part of the normal world; fear has an edge that we relish (as writers of thrillers and producers of slasher films well know).

I have a kind of chemistry-lab in my head (I was going to be a biochemist when I got diverted to seminary). I envision reversing the flow in a tube connected to the gook layer. Perhaps we can convert the energy of artificially stimulating our adrenals to siphon off energy from the beastly gook, rather than feed it. Worrying about the financial future or riding a wild thriller film may not be heaven on earth, but is certainly better for the common good than shooting someone.